Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
