Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize