First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
