I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize