Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
