I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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