hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
