I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
