I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
