she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
