Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She said her name was "party"
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
