grandma shit on top of the toilet
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
