My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
