Someone shit on the floor
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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