I must be too annoying 4 u.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
