i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
