I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
