Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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