you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
