new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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