moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize