I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize