Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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