It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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