Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
