Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
