Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His hands were made for my vagina.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
