I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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