i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize