all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ketchup is God's man juice
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
