You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
