Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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