Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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