WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
