Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize