I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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