My liver just broke up with me...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
