Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
