I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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