did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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