I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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