Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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