this just has baby written all over it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
