mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
