My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize