I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
