Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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