somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
