Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
