So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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