Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
