I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
