so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize