Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
