Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
