nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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