there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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