his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
