If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize