finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
