You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
