yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize