I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize